Monday, September 8, 2014

Elvis Has Left the Big Box

This photo was found on

For years now we have shopped at the big box wholesale stores. 6 monkeys + two parents + people who are crazy enough to visit us + random animals = a hunka, hunka box store love. I mean, where else can you buy a case of Ramen Noodles big enough to feed a college student for all four years? 

"Shopping" is actually the wrong verb. "Schlepping" is more like it. Anytime you go to a store to pick up lunch supplies and come out with a 5 pound jar of peanut butter, a six pack of sliced bread, a crate of bananas (or enough supplies to feed an army of Elvises or is it Elvi?) and a giant inflatable jack-o-latern you are schlepping not shopping. 

And really? Who uses that much spray starch besides maybe an Elvis impersonator in Vegas? 

But seriously, it's not all bad. Some gigantic quantities of certain products are actually helpful. Big box shopping has it's pros and cons. Let's take a look:

1. Pro: A half ton of liquid laundry soap? With mountains of laundry accumulating on the daily? That works for me. 
Con:  Lifting that half ton container of liquid laundry detergent to fill that tiny measuring cup makes me feel like a female body builder competing in a clean and jerk competition. 

2.  Pro: 1000 rolls of toilet paper at pennies per roll.
Con:  Finding a place to store 1000 rolls of toilet paper upon bringing them home. "Hey kids! Forget Legos! We've got some toilet paper rolls for you to play with!" "And tonight, you can snuggle with them at bedtime!" 

3. Pro: 50 boxes of whole wheat pasta. Yes! Spaghetti forever!!! 
Con:  Spaghetti Forever!!!

4.  Pro: A 12 pack of Febreeze assures that your house will never stink. 
Con : It could also assure you that there will be a hole the size of Texas in the ozone layer above your house.

5.  Pro:  200!!! Now that's a ton of tampons! 
Con: 200? That's also a constant reminder of your "special time of the month ". Heck, you could even do a an
advent-like  count down calendar with with a tampon behind each numbered door leading up to "P-Day".

6. Pro: That 800 count of newborn diapers will be so useful...
Con: Until your newborn out grows them by the end of the first week and you are left with 500 newborn diapers. 

Ah, Big Box shopping! How I love and simultaneously hate you so. If it weren't for the double packs of Nutella I would have left you long ago.



Wednesday, September 3, 2014


Times when I make ridiculous faces:

1. While applying mascara (I look like I am about to sing in a demented opera.)

2. While spoon feeding a baby (I look a Goldfish burping.)

3. While tweezing my eyebrows (I look like a creepier version of "The Scream ")

4. While meeting someone or a group of someones for the first time (I look like my smile is plotting a hostile takeover of my face.)

5. While reading the menu on the wall at a fast food restaurant (I look like I am constipated.)

6. While smiling (My eyes disappear. It's all nose and refer to #4.)

7.  While driving (I alternate between looking like a spider monkey- "Stay in your own lane!" and confused Asian woman - "What does that street sign say?" )

8. While concentrating (I purse my lips like a duck, but not the sexy duck face from selfies, which has always confused me because DUCKS ARE NOT SEXY!)

9. While confused (Hostile scrunchy forehead takeover of entire face accompanied by squinty eyes and flattened nose. It's like a Winston Churchhill, Margaret Cho, Mike Tyson mash up.)

10. While singing (please refer to #2 and #5)

11. While crying (Think Golam)

12. While waking up (Think confused mole. The animal, not the skin thingy which grosses me out)

13. While grossed out (Think Billy Idol lip curl meets wide-eyed Valley Girl)

14. While tired (I look like a Shar-pei. My facial muscles just give up, gravity prevails)