Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Negative Nelly or Nancy or Ned.

1. Yoga intimidates me because, well, gas and also contorting into positions that promote the expelling of gas and all of that coupled with deep inhaling and exhaling.  Inhaling...exhaling...inhaling...gas. Nope.

2.  I'd rather scrub a toilet than ice skate. You can't break a bone or lacerate yourself when you fall in the toilet. Yes, I said "when" not "if". Don't ask...

3.  I don't do dark places.  My sister and I helped create that little phobia in our tween years as we watched horror movie marathons all summer long.  Thank you Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers, and Jason (whatever-your-last-name-is) for contributing to my unnatural fear of that dark space under my bed.

4.  Onions are evil little food ruiners.  Leeks, shallots and chives are equally as guilty. Funyuns, that Bloomin Onion thing, and onion rings are foods from Hades. I once dated a guy who ate red onions ALL THE TIME!!!! Then, to add insult to injury, he would chew Big Red gum to freshen his breath.  Because nothing is more attractive and aromatic than the fresh smell of onions and cinnamon. Mmmm...so fresh.

5.  My feet are tactilely defensive.  Even when my feet touch each other, it's so wrong.  My feet can not, I repeat, can not be dirty, or dry, or sandy, or touched. And for the record, I won't touch your feet.    I have a reoccurring nightmare in which I am Kung Foo fighting my way out of a nail salon with six ninja nail techs chasing after my feet with their pumice stones.

6.  Hats off to those of you who can wear hats.  Hats do not work for me since I have enough hair for ten people.  Hats always look like they are going to launch off my head at any minute.  T-minus 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 LIFT OFF! We have lift off of another failed attempt to contain a mane that needs its own zip code.

7.  I just can't justify a power nap.  If I'm going to take a nap, it is going to be a darn good one.  None of this 15 minute crap.  Nope.  Bring on the 2 hour deal with full on drool and snore.   I'm not playing.

8.  Board games.  I've tried and I just can't.  Really, I am over feeling inadequate about this.

9.  I make berry smoothies to stay healthy and all that I get is freaking seeds in my teeth.  Then, for the rest of the day, I gouge my tongue on my teeth trying to dislodge seeds. It's exhausting and my tongue hurts.

10.  Lipstick on my teeth.  Constantly happens. My tongue is always running defense.  I feel like a model in a Pearl Drops Toothpaste ad (If you are old enough to get that reference, then high five sister or brother).



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