Fa, La, La, La, Blah, Blah, Blah...

Me and the Scary, Convict Santa years ago

I feel extra crunchy this afternoon.  Maybe it's sugary highs and lows from all the Christmas "goodies" speaking, but I feel like I am one candy cane short of a meltdown, seriously.  So thank you for reading, and now I am going to vent about what makes this beautiful season of the year not so "wintery and wonderlandish".

First, it is hard to be in the Christmas spirit when you loose at least a pound of water weight just getting in and out of your car to go anywhere here in Central Florida.  I am sweating bullets people, and it's December! Someone please let Santa know that he needs to dress in layers this year as he delivers toys. When he gets to Florida, he should just wear his bathing suit.  I hope it's not a Speedo though, because, well, that would be very frightening. 

Second, driving anywhere around here these days is enough to make you want to...I am not going to say what it makes me want to do because it's not very nice.  Although, I am probably already on the "Naughty List" because of my Santa Speedo remark. But really, are you in such a hurry to spread Christmas cheer that you have to drive like a maniac? 

Third, Christmas music...I really do not like it.  How many versions of, "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" does this world need, really?!?

Fourth, Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, how unlovely are your brown, crumbling branches, even though we just bought you two weeks ago and we are watering you everyday? 

Fifth, shopping carts really hurt when someone runs into the back of your heels with them.  Hey lady, you may want to be careful not to run over people in the store with your death cart in order to get to that last Deep Fried Twinkie Maker. Just saying.  Oh and Cart Lady, Twinkies are no longer on the market, so good luck with trying to find some to fry up.

Sixth, lawn ornaments are okay in moderation.  Does anyone else find it eerie to have your lights flicker every night around sundown as all the lawn ornaments turn on? Do you think it's okay that I haven't seen my neighbor's dog in several days, and the blow up Christmas alligator across the street has a slimy look on its face?

Seventh, I don't like tinsel.  Do they even make tinsel anymore?  If they do, I don't like it.

Eighth, Attention department stores: it might be a good idea to hire "Santas" that are actually old enough to grow facial hair.  Something about the cracking voice and acne of the teenage Santa just doesn't seem authentic.

Ninth, "Some Assembly Required" ?!?

Last, why are throw pillows so expensive?  $50 for a pillow?  Why, just why?


Wink, wink,

Melissa