And That's How I Talked Myself Out of Jogging

Last night, at 10 PM, after consuming a Butterfinger (Actually it was about eight of those mini Butterfingers, which is roughly the equivalent of an actual full-sized Butterfinger.  Well, maybe the size of a king-sized Butterfinger.). Anyway, last night at 10 PM, I had this sudden urge to go jogging.  Truth be told, I hate jogging.  It feels weird.  It should be called jiggling not jogging, if you know what I mean.

So, why in the world was I craving a jog (Is it even possible to crave a jog?)?  Maybe it was the corn syrup coursing through my veins.  

By the way, shout outs to all my friends in the corn industry!  You know who you are, even if I don't.  You guys nailed it this Halloween season with the corn syrup!  The candy was off the chain! Right on!

Okay, back to the jogging urge. I had this whole inner dialogue thing going on.  As if, I was actually going to convince myself to do something that I hate doing...

Me:  I really feel like getting out tonight and jogging. Did I wash my black sweat pants?

Me: But, it is late and dark and maybe not the safest time to go jogging.  I need to wear something white so that people can see me in the dark.

Me: I don't have anything white or light to wear. I think that my black sweat pants are in Pete's drawer. Why do they always get put in the wrong drawer?  Little Monkey's drawers are totally unorganized.  I think that he needs some new long sleeve shirts.  Is he a size 5 or 6 now? He is really growing way too fast.  My baby is getting so big. It makes me sad. Don't be sad, you ninny, he is a happy, strong monkey boy.  I've got to order vitamins. 

Me:  I think, Pete has a white hoodie I can wear in his closet.  Oh, that's where the chili chocolate is stashed.  Chili chocolate always makes me happy.  Wait! I just had a whole regular  king-sized Butterfinger.  I definitely don't need more chocolate.  I'm the one who will need a new clothing size.  Okay, just one square of chili chocolate.  It's got all those antioxidants in it.  Good vitamins!

Me:  I need to order our vitamins.  What is today's date?  Do we set the clocks back this weekend?  Fall back, spring forward?  Or spring back, fall forward?  We need to fix the bullnose on the stairs so that the kids don't fall. 

Me:  Maybe I will go jogging in the morning.  I'll set the alarm for 7 AM and just get up and go.  I think that I will wear my shorts instead.  Where are all of my socks?  Should I set the alarm for 6:30 AM so that I can snooze a few times?  Did I set the house alarm? Did the dog get let out? Did the pets get fed? Are we running low on cat food?

Me:  I am kind of hungry. Or, am I thirsty?  Sometimes people think that they are hungry when they are really thirsty. Hunger and thirst are controlled by the hypothalamus.  What part of the brain is the hypothalamus located in?

Me:  Does Little Monkey play MindCraft too much? Is that bad for his brain development? I am glad that he wasn't a Creeper from MindCraft for Halloween.  It would be so awkward to tell people that your kid is dressed as a "Creeper".  Couldn't the makers of MindCraft have come up with a less awkward name for their character?  Ugh, we stayed up too late on Halloween. 

Me:  I am so tired right now.  Maybe, I should sleep in a little and go jogging before lunch tomorrow. 

Me:  I have got to go grocery shopping.  We are running low on food.  What should I make for dinner tomorrow night?  Should I plan out a menu for next week?  

Me:  I'll do that tomorrow after my jog.  Oh, poop!  I forget that I have a meeting in the morning. 

Me:  Maybe I will go jogging tomorrow night.  I need arch supports for my jogging shoes. 

Me:  I should not go jogging until after I get my arch supports.  I can pick those up next Tuesday at Track Shack.  No. I won't be on that side of town until Friday. 

Me:  Oh well.  I guess I will have to wait until next week to jog.  Did I go through all of the monkeys' candy to see if it is safe?  I wonder if they have any Kit Kats?  I could really go for a cheeseburger right now.

Hugs, 

Melissa

Pursuit of the Obvious

It's all good, there's no beach furniture, digging, or stakes here.  Just a giant wheel.

Finally! Affirmation that gluten adds to the maximus. I've always had my suspicions. 

So, what I think I hear you saying is that you are really, really unhappy right now?

So, will the workers really be fine if they urinate in the Janitor's Room?   I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I would think that would really upset the janitor.

Hugs,

Melissa

Burning Questions

Tennis.  Is it a passive aggressive sport?  Mostly passive? Somewhat aggressive? Or vice versa?

Pontoon boats.  Are they really boats or just wanna be boats?  Like the awkward cousins of real boats?

Daylight savings time.  Really?  Then why does it get darker earlier? Somebody needs to go back to school.

Cotton candy.  Is it the sugary coated version of the Fabric of Our Lives?  (The touch the feel of cotton...)

Flavored water.  Too much water?  Not enough flavor?  Which is it?

M and M's.  Melt in your mouth? Not in your hands?  I beg to differ.

Dressing rooms. Because unflattering lighting and mirrors make people buy more clothing?

Mittens.  Are you just giving your fingers a day off?

Legos.  Constructive playthings?  or Destructive foot killers?

Simon Says.  Who is Simon?  What is his backstory?

Couch potato.  Is it a tuber or a root?

Shakes.  Why are they called shakes when they are blended?  Shouldn't they be called blenders?  I smell a conspiracy.

Hair cut.  Technically aren't you getting your hairs cut?

Tooth paste.  Do you just brush one tooth?

Nair.  Is it short for "no hair", "noxious air"?

and finally

Soft drinks.  As opposed to hard drinks?  Fluffy drinks? Smooth drinks?

Hugs,

Melissa

Jimmy Fallon and Thank You Letters

Last night, Pete and I went to see The Clean Cut Comedy Tour with the amazing Jimmy Fallon and four other very talented comedians - Julian Mccullough, Nate Bargatze, Nick Thune, and Seth Herzog.

The show was stellar!  Jimmy Fallon is just a really fun, down-to-earth guy.  He put together a super funny set that kept us laughing until our abs hurt. Seriously, my abs have been Fallonized. Best workout ever!  Funny stuff indeed!

Photo credit

What wasn't funny though was the audience.  I am still wondering if Pete and I were punk'd or something.  Entering the beautiful Tampa Theater was like entering into the Twilight Zone of audiences. Rudeness abounded, my friends!

So, in honor of Jimmy Fallon and his "Thank You Letters" act, I have written some letters of thanks to some of the awesome audience members of the Tampa Theater last night.  They made the night extra "special".

Dear Ms. Red Red Wine,

Thank you kindly for spilling your glass of merlot on my seat and not bothering to say anything before I sat down.  Although, I am sure you had the best intentions, I am sorry to report that your red, red wine did not make my behind feel so fine.  Oh, and my new wine-washed denim jeans say thank you too.

Dear Lady Laughs A Lot,

Thank you so much all of the laughter.  By laughing before, during and after the punch line you proved yourself to be quite efficient and resourceful.  You never missed a joke, even if I did!  Thanks!

Dear Suzy Boozey,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your copious cat calls and other choice vocal contributions to the show last night.  You must have just known that the professionally trained comedians needed your input.  I am sure it warmed their hearts to hear your words of encouragement.  Phrases like, "Not funny!""  intermingled with "I love you!" gave the show a unique bi-polar edge.

Dear Brewsky Bunch,

Thank you for getting up and down throughout the entire show to go fetch another beer from the bar.  Wow!  You sure made the comedians on stage feel so appreciated.  Because really, there is nothing like watching a mass exodus of people as you perform for them.  That would be only slightly distracting and just a little awkward.

and finally

Dear Tina Tiny Bladder,

Thank you for drinking so much beer that you had to frequent the bathroom seventy times during the show.  I loved having to get up at of my seat every five minutes to let you by.  Heck, one time you were even courteous enough to crawl over me. What a gal!

Hugs,

Melissa

P.S. Seriously, thank you to the super hero comedians and the staff at the Tampa Theatre for rolling with all of the shenanigans and craziness!  It was truly a fun night!

Hey Jimmy Fallon! Where's the Beef?

How awesome is this?  Jimmy Fallon, the kingpin of late night television was in Orlando today.  He asked his Orlando friends (via Twitter) where he should eat lunch.  Many suggestions were given.  Jimmy choose Beefy King, an Orlando staple for over 40 years!  Way to eat like a native in Orlando, Jimmy!

Photo credit: Instagram

Pete and I are heading over to Tampa tonight to see the Clean Cut Comedy Tour with Jimmy Fallon.  Can't wait!  It's going to be great!

Hugs,

Melissa

Bier International in Harlem is the Bomb!

Pete was born in Wisconsin.  Which means that he has no choice but to be a lover of three things:

The Green Bay Packers
Cheese
Beer

Also, he is a closet Polka Dancer, but we won't talk about that here.

It's October and my half German / half Swiss man is thinking about Oktober Fest.  It's a dreamy time of the year when beer, cheese and polka all merge together in one big awesome autumny conglomeration.  Throw in a Packer game or two and Pete is over the moon.

What would really send him over the moon, would be a trip back to our summer hangout in Harlem.  Bier International.  What an stellar biergarten!

The food is delectable - Parmesan-Truffle Fries anyone? How about some authentic German cuisine?

The staff is delightful - we miss you guys!

Some of the beautiful people who make Bier International special.

The live music and DJ's are dope - Reggae, Latin, Techno Funk

The beer is down right delicious and diverse- French, German, Belgium, Czech

If you reside in NYC or are visiting please check out this little Harlem treasure on the Upper West side.  It is a journey worth taking.

Just please do us a favor and tell Ouzman, Donald and the lovely serving staff at Bier that we say hello!

 Hugs,

Melissa

Hilarious Hauntings

So, I am a total wimp when it comes to anything scary.  My sister and I used to watch horror movies and I  would have to wake her up at night to accompany me to the bathroom because I was too scared to walk down the hall by myself.  Once, when I was in college, I went to a haunted house with my uncle.  I think that I permanently damaged the poor guy's hearing and dislocated his elbow with all the screaming and pulling that I did.  That was the last time that I went to one of those places. It's just not fun to have the pee scared out of you like that.

There is this haunted house attraction in Canada that is supposed to be horrific.  Some people are so terrified that they often have to leave before the tour is over.  They even take pictures of the poor scared souls as they make their way through the house.

Here are some of my favorites:  (I've decided to give them each a title)

Guidos Gone WIld or "You're Not From Jersey!" or "Who Used All My Hair Gel!"

"Talk to the Hand! " or "Oh no you didn't!"

Mr. Clean Soils Himself

The Haunted Heimlich 

"Godzirra!" 

Hugs,

Melissa